BioWare According to Mom

Things my mother has to say about BioWare's Dragon Age and Mass Effect games, from text conversations to phone calls to observations.

Dragon Age
Female human noble rogue
Female city elf.
Tag :: Dragon Age According to Mom

Dragon Age 2
Female mage
Tag :: Dragon Age (2) According to Mom

Mass Effect
Female infiltrator
Tag :: Mass Effect According to Mom
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Posts tagged "alistair"

That third party application may or may not be named Reg.

Reg: Mother.
Mom: ?
Reg: So what would you say if I said a lovely lady on tumblr would like to meet you and play DA with you while drinking wine? She’ll bring cheese.
Mom: wat kind of wine?
Reg: Riesling?
Mom: cheese?
Reg: A good kind?
Mom: this is ok
Mom: wait
Mom: ask her
Mom: alistair or zzevran
Reg: What, why?
Mom: i only play w dsicerning ppl
Reg: …meaning?
Mom: zevran is best

Because this happened.

:3

Mom: reg
Mom: if ellen has pc can she play da?
Reg: [just starts crying] Yes. Why?
Mom: has no kids
Mom: jos kids have game
Mom: and deb
Reg: Oh, good. [still crying a little on the inside]
Mom: u help set ellen up?
Reg: I can do that, yes. [strangled sounds of death]
Mom: k 
Mom: o
Mom: beth says this works on ex-box?
Reg: It does, yes.
Mom: thx
Mom: xoxoxo
Mom: ps jo thinks zev is better than alistair 2

/quietly creates Team Alistair and Team Zevran shirts 

Ellen: Can I still date Alistair if I’m a dwarf, though? That’s important, because I find him very attractive.
Mom: [with the air of one who knows all the things] You can date him as anything. Except a man. Zevran and Leliana will let you romance them [look at her using the right words and everything I tell no lies] if you’re either gender, but Morrigan only likes men, and Alistair only likes women.
Jo: Can we make a guy and date Zevran?
Beth: No, no, I think we should date Leliana.
Reg: [twitches]
Debbie: I have to think that even with the soulless eyes and worst orgasm face ever, Alistair might be a better lay than my husband.
[All the women begin tittering and Reg flees upstairs]

Yeah.

Yeah. I can’t. 

[To set the stage: I decided to go home for lunch because I didn’t want to pay money for a salad. As I pull up to my house, I notice the driveways is full of cars, which is a bit unusual. I park, get out, go inside. My mother is in the basement.]

Reg: …mooooom?
Mom: We’re in the basement!
Reg: …”we”? [goes into the basement; discovers mom and four of her biffles sitting on the couches, drinking wine, and playing Dragon Age] Wait, what is this.
Mom: I wanted to show them!
Reg: No, really, what is this.
Debbie: Your mom was just showing us how to date Alistair.
Beth: It’s so cute how he gives you a rose!
Jo: We’re going to kill the… the what was it, Mary?
Mom: The Archdemon. [smugfais]
Jo: That’s it. And then Ellen is going to make a dwarf.
Ellen: It’s so exciting! It’s like playing pretend but with actual people!

I cannot even my life.

I simply cannot.

I wish this were a joke. 

Mom: kiss
Reg: I take it you were not satisfied by Alistair’s goodbye kiss?
Mom: n
Mom: goin away 4 long time
Mom: y no big kiss
Reg: Probably because Alistair isn’t a huge fan of public displays of affection.
Mom: so
Mom: i am the exception
Reg: Right then, I’ll send the dev team another box of cookies and tell them to make a DLC that lets you, specifically, and no one else snog Alistair until he falls over.
Mom: u do that
Mom: they better

/gives up

Just kill Mhairi already, Mother.

Mom: anderson burned the templars
Reg: Mr. Anderson?
Mom: who
Mom: no
Mom: anders
Mom: reg auto correct is no helpful
Reg: Because Anders is a made up name it doesn’t recognize. Would you like me to teach it all the DA characters’ names tonight?
Mom: y
Mom: he killd templars
Mom: thats mean
Reg: He’s a useful mage.
Mom: wynne useful?
Reg: Sure.
Mom: y is he alistair w magic?

Mother.

Mother, you’re going to start a riot on tumblr. Please stop. Because I am committed to relaying your texts exactly as they stand. Please, please stop.

Asker saurons Asks:
Your mom is absolutely crazy. I love it! Makes me wonder though, (please don't kill me for asking something this awkward) has your dad sat through a sexy cutscene with her? Would it be a smart idea to let him sit through one? Would he be grossed out with Albert's crazy expressions?
biowareaccordingtomom biowareaccordingtomom Said:

makerhavemercyonmysoul

No, my dad hasn’t sat through any sexy cut scenes - thank god. That I know of. I don’t know what they get up to when I’m not around and I don’t want to. Everyone else on the planet can have as much sex as they want, but my parents? Not allowed.

I don’t think my dad would know what to make of it, honestly. He saw me playing through Fort Drakon with Alistair and Elissa in their undies (THANK GOD I DID NOT HAVE THE NAKED MOD ON BECAUSE IF I HAD TO EXPLAIN WHY I HAD THAT I DON’T EVEN), and he was like “…they’re naked, reg” and I was all “lskdfjlsdfjsldkfj DON’T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT HOLY FUCK *shuts off screen*”

Asker nyogu Asks:
So, Reg's mother: Are you just using Alistair for his looks and the potential for getting you on the throne? Because he's very pretty. Or do you actually have *feelings* for him? Or is he just a substitute for Sten?
biowareaccordingtomom biowareaccordingtomom Said:

Mom says: I wanted to flirt with Sten, but I guess you can’t do that. Reg said the Qunari don’t really flirt. I wanted to date Reg’s boyfriend because I know he’s a nice boy.

Mom: [giggles] I told him I’d meet him up stairs.
Reg: I am not writing smut fic for you. :|
Mom: That’s fine, I have your father.
Reg: ohgod I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Mom: Sooo do I have to talk to my peons?
Reg: No, you don’t have to, but you—
Mom: STEN TALK TO ME SWEETIE. What does kadan mean?
Reg: It’s a term of respect.
Mom: Reg, he respects me.
Reg: Are you crying?
Mom: No. Okay, let’s go. …isn’t there supposed to be some epic cinematic?
Reg: You’d think. But, really, given the choices you can make—
Mom: So this Awakening game.
Reg: Dear God have mercy.

Annnnd I will have her answer asks shortly!

Mom: Are you done?
Reg: Mom, this is important, do you want to die?
Mom: No. But I’m bored. [notices tumblr gif giffing] Ooh, what’s this?
Reg: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [flings self at laptop]
Mom: Is… [tilts head to the side] Is he masturbating?
Reg: …yes.
Mom: Wow, look at those abs. Bob, why don’t you look like this anymore? [shows laptop to Reg!Dad]
Dad: I never looked like that.
Reg: [dies of mortification] Can we just—the Archdemon—please just—
Dad: You know, he kind of looks like Albert.
Mom: Ooh, he does.

I give up.