That third party application may or may not be named Reg.
Reg: So what would you say if I said a lovely lady on tumblr would like to meet you and play DA with you while drinking wine? She’ll bring cheese.
Mom: wat kind of wine?
Reg: A good kind?
Mom: this is ok
Mom: ask her
Mom: alistair or zzevran
Reg: What, why?
Mom: i only play w dsicerning ppl
Mom: zevran is best
Because this happened.
Mom: if ellen has pc can she play da?
Reg: [just starts crying] Yes. Why?
Mom: has no kids
Mom: jos kids have game
Mom: and deb
Reg: Oh, good. [still crying a little on the inside]
Mom: u help set ellen up?
Reg: I can do that, yes. [strangled sounds of death]
Mom: beth says this works on ex-box?
Reg: It does, yes.
Mom: ps jo thinks zev is better than alistair 2
/quietly creates Team Alistair and Team Zevran shirts
Ellen: Can I still date Alistair if I’m a dwarf, though? That’s important, because I find him very attractive.
Mom: [with the air of one who knows all the things] You can date him as anything. Except a man. Zevran and Leliana will let you romance them [look at her using the right words and everything I tell no lies] if you’re either gender, but Morrigan only likes men, and Alistair only likes women.
Jo: Can we make a guy and date Zevran?
Beth: No, no, I think we should date Leliana.
Debbie: I have to think that even with the soulless eyes and worst orgasm face ever, Alistair might be a better lay than my husband.
[All the women begin tittering and Reg flees upstairs]
Yeah. I can’t.
[To set the stage: I decided to go home for lunch because I didn’t want to pay money for a salad. As I pull up to my house, I notice the driveways is full of cars, which is a bit unusual. I park, get out, go inside. My mother is in the basement.]
Mom: We’re in the basement!
Reg: …”we”? [goes into the basement; discovers mom and four of her biffles sitting on the couches, drinking wine, and playing Dragon Age] Wait, what is this.
Mom: I wanted to show them!
Reg: No, really, what is this.
Debbie: Your mom was just showing us how to date Alistair.
Beth: It’s so cute how he gives you a rose!
Jo: We’re going to kill the… the what was it, Mary?
Mom: The Archdemon. [smugfais]
Jo: That’s it. And then Ellen is going to make a dwarf.
Ellen: It’s so exciting! It’s like playing pretend but with actual people!
I cannot even my life.
I simply cannot.
I wish this were a joke.
Reg: I take it you were not satisfied by Alistair’s goodbye kiss?
Mom: goin away 4 long time
Mom: y no big kiss
Reg: Probably because Alistair isn’t a huge fan of public displays of affection.
Mom: i am the exception
Reg: Right then, I’ll send the dev team another box of cookies and tell them to make a DLC that lets you, specifically, and no one else snog Alistair until he falls over.
Mom: u do that
Mom: they better
Just kill Mhairi already, Mother.
Mom: anderson burned the templars
Reg: Mr. Anderson?
Mom: reg auto correct is no helpful
Reg: Because Anders is a made up name it doesn’t recognize. Would you like me to teach it all the DA characters’ names tonight?
Mom: he killd templars
Mom: thats mean
Reg: He’s a useful mage.
Mom: wynne useful?
Mom: y is he alistair w magic?
Mother, you’re going to start a riot on tumblr. Please stop. Because I am committed to relaying your texts exactly as they stand. Please, please stop.
No, my dad hasn’t sat through any sexy cut scenes - thank god. That I know of. I don’t know what they get up to when I’m not around and I don’t want to. Everyone else on the planet can have as much sex as they want, but my parents? Not allowed.
I don’t think my dad would know what to make of it, honestly. He saw me playing through Fort Drakon with Alistair and Elissa in their undies (THANK GOD I DID NOT HAVE THE NAKED MOD ON BECAUSE IF I HAD TO EXPLAIN WHY I HAD THAT I DON’T EVEN), and he was like “…they’re naked, reg” and I was all “lskdfjlsdfjsldkfj DON’T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT HOLY FUCK *shuts off screen*”
Mom says: I wanted to flirt with Sten, but I guess you can’t do that. Reg said the Qunari don’t really flirt. I wanted to date Reg’s boyfriend because I know he’s a nice boy.
Mom: [giggles] I told him I’d meet him up stairs.
Reg: I am not writing smut fic for you. :|
Mom: That’s fine, I have your father.
Reg: ohgod I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Mom: Sooo do I have to talk to my peons?
Reg: No, you don’t have to, but you—
Mom: STEN TALK TO ME SWEETIE. What does kadan mean?
Reg: It’s a term of respect.
Mom: Reg, he respects me.
Reg: Are you crying?
Mom: No. Okay, let’s go. …isn’t there supposed to be some epic cinematic?
Reg: You’d think. But, really, given the choices you can make—
Mom: So this Awakening game.
Reg: Dear God have mercy.
Annnnd I will have her answer asks shortly!
Mom: Are you done?
Reg: Mom, this is important, do you want to die?
Mom: No. But I’m bored. [notices tumblr gif giffing] Ooh, what’s this?
Reg: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [flings self at laptop]
Mom: Is… [tilts head to the side] Is he masturbating?
Mom: Wow, look at those abs. Bob, why don’t you look like this anymore? [shows laptop to Reg!Dad]
Dad: I never looked like that.
Reg: [dies of mortification] Can we just—the Archdemon—please just—
Dad: You know, he kind of looks like Albert.
Mom: Ooh, he does.
I give up.