BioWare According to Mom

Things my mother has to say about BioWare's Dragon Age and Mass Effect games, from text conversations to phone calls to observations.

Dragon Age
Female human noble rogue
Female city elf.
Tag :: Dragon Age According to Mom

Dragon Age 2
Female mage
Tag :: Dragon Age (2) According to Mom

Mass Effect
Female infiltrator
Tag :: Mass Effect According to Mom
Posts tagged "archdemon"

Mom: y dos no1 ever believ there r dragons??
Mom: they all just say o n dragons r not real
Mom: last tiem i killed an archdragon
Reg: Archdemon, but yes.
Mom: nd at least 2 high dragons right
Mom: ??
Reg: Flemeth and Notdraste, so I think so.
Mom: ud think theyd face up 2 reality by now
Mom: were getting a drink
Mom: me nd lady p cant handel this nymore

Reg’s Mom and the Fine Art of Roleplay. sob

Mom: Wa—WHAT IS IT DOING?
Reg:kill shot. o-o
Mom: DOES THAT MEAN I WON?
Reg: THAT MEANS YOU WON.
Mom: [screams]
Reg: [screams, too] YOU DID IT!
Mom: I SAVED FERELDEN!
Reg: YOU BEAT YOUR FIRST VIDEO GAME!
Mom: I DID IT!

I wish you guys could see her face oh my god it’s so adorable. She’s literally bouncing and her grin is huge.

Mom: Reg… REG I’M DYING AGAIN HELP ME! [throws controller at Reg without pausing the game]
Reg: [scrambles to get control before it takes out her laptop] Wha—oh christ what is even—
Mom: MAKE IT STOP KILLING STEN.
Reg: STEN ISN’T GOING TO DIE HE’S A TANK HE IS BUILT TO HANDLE THIS.
Mom: NOW IT’S KILLING MORRIGAN.
Reg: WHERE ARE YOUR ALLIES?
Mom: I THINK I USED THEM ALL.
Reg: Oh, for the love of—
Mom: Where’d it go?
Reg: Another tower. Okay, now you’re going to let your allies do whatever the hell they want. Camp by that ballista and mash on it, alright? And while that’s happening—
Mom: I can do this myself you know. [take controller back] You don’t need to hold my hand.

:| I’m getting mixed signals you guys.

Now that we’re all fed and content…

Mom: Why am I doing this I’m going to get indigestion. I’m going to throw up.
Reg: Nervous?
Mom: Yes.
Reg: You can restart. We saved around your tactics. It’s fine. You’re fine. Just keep breathing, that’s it. Would you like me to get a cool towel for your head?
Mom: I’m fighting a dragon not giving birth to a baby. [pause] Though in the end it probably amounts to the same thing. Use protection, Reg, otherwise you’ll get pregnant and give birth to an Archthing-dragon-demon.

Further proof that my mother is the bastard love child of Loki and Flemeth. I may give birth to an Archdemon.

Mom: Are you done?
Reg: Mom, this is important, do you want to die?
Mom: No. But I’m bored. [notices tumblr gif giffing] Ooh, what’s this?
Reg: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [flings self at laptop]
Mom: Is… [tilts head to the side] Is he masturbating?
Reg: …yes.
Mom: Wow, look at those abs. Bob, why don’t you look like this anymore? [shows laptop to Reg!Dad]
Dad: I never looked like that.
Reg: [dies of mortification] Can we just—the Archdemon—please just—
Dad: You know, he kind of looks like Albert.
Mom: Ooh, he does.

I give up.

Reg: Okay, well, hm. How did you even get to this point?
Mom: What do you mean? What is all that? Did I do something wrong?
Reg: …all your tactics are set to custom and none of them are actually populated with commands.
Mom: Is that a problem?
Reg: That’s why your people are just standing there and letting the Archdemon kill them.
Mom: So does the Archthing have a [air quotes] “wipe tactics” skill?
Reg: …no.
Mom: So why aren’t there [air quotes] “tactics.”
Reg: Because you didn’t set them.
Mom: Well you didn’t tell me to!

Still my fault.