BioWare According to Mom

Mom: i feel better no
Mom: ok act 2 startd nd teh count wants me 2 do something about teh qunari
Mom: i wish sten were here
Mom: i wish i had nicr cloths
Reg: We can get an armor pack.
Mom: ok ill buy it 4 u y havnt teh qunari left?
Reg: Because they’re grumpy old men waiting for their ship to come in?
Mom: id b grumpy 2 
Mom: !!
Mom: lets send them 2 teh bloomin rose

Somehow I suspect that is not the solution to Kirkwall’s qunari problem

Though now I’m picturing the Arishok in a brothel and chuckling quietly.

Reg: [picks up phone] Hi, you’ve rea—
Mom: He joined the templars!
Reg: Oh, I see you’re at that pa—
Mom: My brother. Joined. The templars.
Mom: Mine.
Mom: Did he forget that his sister is a mage? Does he really hate me?
Reg: Well, you se—
Mom: No little brother of mine is going to join the templars. I’m going to kick his ass across Kirkwall. [hangs up]

Yep.

Have I mentioned she’s an older sister?

Mom: did it
Reg: Nailed it?
Mom: its sad beans cant b here but i understand this world isnt rdy 4 him
Mom: found some trasure 2
Mom: got a nice key nd staff
Mom: 6g
Mom: what did u get?
Reg: A mom who loves to game.
Mom: aw thats sweet
Mom: ok time 2 get out o this joint and shower
Mom: i bet im gross nd coverd in dirt and profane parts

Profane parts.

Mom: ok
Mom: i had 2 paus
Reg: Stuff to do?
Mom: n
Mom: theres a giant red rock monstr nd i thnk its gon 2 kill me
Reg: You going to kill it first?
Mom: im tryin 2 think about how 2 do this
Mom: strategize
Reg: Kill it before it kills you.
Mom: thats ur strategy?
Reg: Generally.
Mom: this is y u play vangards nd im a infiltrator
Reg: What’s that mean?
Mom: u have no sense o strategy nd get killed a lto

:| There’s nothing wrong with being 100% offense if you kill it first.

Mom: theres a biggr 1
Mom: its talkin 2 me nd i dont trust it i think it wants 2 kill me
Mom: n its a demon
Reg: What are you going to do about it?
Mom: kill it
Mom: y would u do anyhtin else its ade mon

Then I think about Anders and Justice.

And I laugh a little on the inside. Wait until you have to apply this logic to sympathetic characters, Mom. Just wait.

Mom: i dont liek this plac
Reg: Why? What happened?
Mom: i ran in2 these things calld profane
Mom: they killd every1 except frosty
Reg: You named your dog after our beast?
Mom: y
Mom: im goin 2 try again tho
Mom: this tiem ill win
Reg: What difficulty setting are you on?
Mom: hard
Mom: y
Mom: does that matter???

sobs into hands my mother plays on hard mode

Mom: we found a dwarf place
[five minutes later]
Reg: And? What do you think of it?
Mom: its weird
Mom: its rly weird
Mom: its damn weird
Mom: i dont liek it lets go home
Mom: y cant i tell them theres nothing here nd we shold go
Mom: nm theres an idol here it made chests bro b stupid and betray us
Mom: haha i slid down teh banister
Reg: Going to finish?
Mom: fightin my way out 2morrow i think
Mom: then ill find him nd kill him

And so ends Part 1 of Mom’s Deep Roads Adventure.

Mom: !!!!!
Reg: You’re doing that a lot today.
Mom: dragon
Mom: !!
Mom: im excitde
Reg: You’re excited.
Mom: y
Mom: theyre fun 2 fight
Mom: do u think we will win
Reg: I think you have to in order to progress the story.
Mom: but do u think w will win
Mom: i do bcaus my team is teh best

Actually, she’s super proud of the hard things she fights and kills. High dragons, dragons, Archdemons, Reapers.

Mom: savd sandal
Mom: he turned a ogre in2 ice
Mom: theres somthing about that kid
Reg: Or it’s just hilarious that he can venture into the Deep Roads and remain virtually untouched.
Mom: im jealous
Mom: we should recruit him

/adds Sandal as a companion to wishlist

Mom: i walkd up a flight o stairs nd out o no where spides appered nd attack me
Mom: when i kileld them a huge one showed up
Mom: it must have been as big as the car
Reg: Did you scream?
Mom: n
Mom: who wold scream at video game spiders?

I would.

Every time they appear. :| NOT ALL OF US CAN BE AS COOL AS YOU