Mom: He’s calibrating things! …are you eating up here?
Reg: It’s a bagel. I have a plate. It’s fine. Pay attention to your boyfriend.
Mom: He’s not my boyfriend. Look how cute we are! [snickers] Giant guns. This is sweet. He’s so sweet. Aww, he thinks his scars bother me.
Reg: I recommend taking the paragon option.
Mom: Oh? [takes it] I kissed him! This is more fun than Zevran.
Reg: There’s a hot elf in DA2, just so you’re aware.
Mom: Oh, is there now? So I’m going to have to choose between Catholic guilt and attractive elves?
Mom: Can I bring Garrus?
Reg: …I’m going to finish my bagel downstairs.
Mom: [calls after] I’ll let you know if we kiss again!
But, no, he’s not her boyfriend.
That third party application may or may not be named Reg.
Reg: So what would you say if I said a lovely lady on tumblr would like to meet you and play DA with you while drinking wine? She’ll bring cheese.
Mom: wat kind of wine?
Reg: A good kind?
Mom: this is ok
Mom: ask her
Mom: alistair or zzevran
Reg: What, why?
Mom: i only play w dsicerning ppl
Mom: zevran is best
Because this happened.
Mom: if ellen has pc can she play da?
Reg: [just starts crying] Yes. Why?
Mom: has no kids
Mom: jos kids have game
Mom: and deb
Reg: Oh, good. [still crying a little on the inside]
Mom: u help set ellen up?
Reg: I can do that, yes. [strangled sounds of death]
Mom: beth says this works on ex-box?
Reg: It does, yes.
Mom: ps jo thinks zev is better than alistair 2
/quietly creates Team Alistair and Team Zevran shirts
Ellen: Can I still date Alistair if I’m a dwarf, though? That’s important, because I find him very attractive.
Mom: [with the air of one who knows all the things] You can date him as anything. Except a man. Zevran and Leliana will let you romance them [look at her using the right words and everything I tell no lies] if you’re either gender, but Morrigan only likes men, and Alistair only likes women.
Jo: Can we make a guy and date Zevran?
Beth: No, no, I think we should date Leliana.
Debbie: I have to think that even with the soulless eyes and worst orgasm face ever, Alistair might be a better lay than my husband.
[All the women begin tittering and Reg flees upstairs]
Yeah. I can’t.
These are, surprisingly, not hideous.
- ALISTAIR: He’s sleeping with her, so it’s pretty far into the love category.
- MORRIGAN: Middling-high warm. Mom keeps giving her the jewelry gifts.
- LELIANA: Not so good. A bit south of the zero marker.
- STEN: Higher than Alistair’s. Take that as you will, but my mother spends upwards of thirty minutes agonizing over dialog choices with this guy.
- WYNNE: OH THAT’S RIGHT MY MOTHER KILLED HER.
- ZEVRAN: I’m pretty sure it was in the middlish of adore, so now it’s probably high warm.
- OGHREN: Well, she saved Branka, so they’re pretty chummy. But she hasn’t bothered talking to him much.
So there you go! Approval, all around!
Mom: [comes into Reg’s room, pushes all the things off Reg’s bed, lays down, grabs stuffed animal] I broke up with him.
Mom: Yeah. [wibbles a little] Is Alistair worth it?
Reg: …mom, it’s a game. You killed Wynne without any compunctions, and you’re sniffly over breaking up with Zevran?
Mom: He thought we had something special.
Reg: …okay, I happen to know that’s not what he says.
Mom: It’s my brain space!
Reg: …wha—OH GOD YOU MEAN HEADCANON.
Mom: Yes, that’s how you call it. Headcanon.
Reg: [stares; offers hand] Welcome to fandom, Mother.
Mom: …I don’t think I should take your hand. It’s like shaking hands with Satan.
Reg: What did I do?!
Mom: Married Alistair. [flounces off] DON’T FORGET YOU NEED TO HELP ME DO THESE UNNECESSARY QUESTS SO I CAN FIGHT THE ARCH-THING.
Mom: THAT IS A SACK OF BOOBS. WITH FRONDS.
Reg: Oh, hello, are you at the Broodmother?
Mom: WHAT IS THAT? THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO WOMEN? WHO COMES UP WITH THIS? HOW DID YOU NOT HAVE NIGHTMARES FOR MOTHS? HOW DO I KILL IT?
Reg: You hit it with your sharp pointy things. Have fun, you Wynne-killing monster.
Mom: …what does that mean.
Reg: Oh, I’m just laughing at the fact that you killed Wynne. So very hard.
Mom: She got in my way! HOW DO I KILL IT?
Reg: Luck? Chance? Gambling with the rules of the universe?
Mom: Wait I have a question.
Mom: If the darkspawn are essentially ants, why do Broodmothers have boobs?
Reg: You know, that’s the question everyone in the fandom asks.
Mom: When we send that man cookies, tell him I demand an answer. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to kill the boobsack. And then sleep with Zevran again.
She hates the elves and wants to kill them all. Somehow, this went from “Reg I am doing all the things you did” to “Reg I hate all your life choices.”
Also did I mention she met Zevran? She’s now flirting with both him and Alistair. She wants to “toy with their feelings to discover who loves her more.”
She thinks this is stupid. I have reminded her that, in a tiny camp, everyone knows everyone else’s business.
She says our first house wasn’t much larger than that camp.
And bb!Reg never knew mommy and daddy’s business.
Reg: Yes. Are you going to romance Zevran?
Mom: cn i still romance als?
Reg: They get snippy if they’re in love with you and you’re caboodling with someone else. They make you choose.
Mom: cant have 2?
Reg: How would you feel if your boyfriend was caboodling with another girl?
Mom: i c ur point
Mom: how choose?
Mom: hardets decisn in gam
Mom: evan or als
Mom: chris evans
Reg: Alas, he is not in this game.
Reg: Alas, no.
Mom: tweet that guy
Mom: tell him
Mom: cris evan
Reg: I’m sure David Gaider will take your suggestion under advisement.
Mom: were sendin cookies
Mom: he better
dear god in heaven help me