Mom: He’s calibrating things! …are you eating up here?
Reg: It’s a bagel. I have a plate. It’s fine. Pay attention to your boyfriend.
Mom: He’s not my boyfriend. Look how cute we are! [snickers] Giant guns. This is sweet. He’s so sweet. Aww, he thinks his scars bother me.
Reg: I recommend taking the paragon option.
Mom: Oh? [takes it] I kissed him! This is more fun than Zevran.
Reg: There’s a hot elf in DA2, just so you’re aware.
Mom: Oh, is there now? So I’m going to have to choose between Catholic guilt and attractive elves?
Mom: Can I bring Garrus?
Reg: …I’m going to finish my bagel downstairs.
Mom: [calls after] I’ll let you know if we kiss again!
But, no, he’s not her boyfriend.
That third party application may or may not be named Reg.
Reg: So what would you say if I said a lovely lady on tumblr would like to meet you and play DA with you while drinking wine? She’ll bring cheese.
Mom: wat kind of wine?
Reg: A good kind?
Mom: this is ok
Mom: ask her
Mom: alistair or zzevran
Reg: What, why?
Mom: i only play w dsicerning ppl
Mom: zevran is best
Because this happened.
Mom: if ellen has pc can she play da?
Reg: [just starts crying] Yes. Why?
Mom: has no kids
Mom: jos kids have game
Mom: and deb
Reg: Oh, good. [still crying a little on the inside]
Mom: u help set ellen up?
Reg: I can do that, yes. [strangled sounds of death]
Mom: beth says this works on ex-box?
Reg: It does, yes.
Mom: ps jo thinks zev is better than alistair 2
/quietly creates Team Alistair and Team Zevran shirts
Ellen: Can I still date Alistair if I’m a dwarf, though? That’s important, because I find him very attractive.
Mom: [with the air of one who knows all the things] You can date him as anything. Except a man. Zevran and Leliana will let you romance them [look at her using the right words and everything I tell no lies] if you’re either gender, but Morrigan only likes men, and Alistair only likes women.
Jo: Can we make a guy and date Zevran?
Beth: No, no, I think we should date Leliana.
Debbie: I have to think that even with the soulless eyes and worst orgasm face ever, Alistair might be a better lay than my husband.
[All the women begin tittering and Reg flees upstairs]
Yeah. I can’t.
These are, surprisingly, not hideous.
- ALISTAIR: He’s sleeping with her, so it’s pretty far into the love category.
- MORRIGAN: Middling-high warm. Mom keeps giving her the jewelry gifts.
- LELIANA: Not so good. A bit south of the zero marker.
- STEN: Higher than Alistair’s. Take that as you will, but my mother spends upwards of thirty minutes agonizing over dialog choices with this guy.
- WYNNE: OH THAT’S RIGHT MY MOTHER KILLED HER.
- ZEVRAN: I’m pretty sure it was in the middlish of adore, so now it’s probably high warm.
- OGHREN: Well, she saved Branka, so they’re pretty chummy. But she hasn’t bothered talking to him much.
So there you go! Approval, all around!
Mom: [comes into Reg’s room, pushes all the things off Reg’s bed, lays down, grabs stuffed animal] I broke up with him.
Mom: Yeah. [wibbles a little] Is Alistair worth it?
Reg: …mom, it’s a game. You killed Wynne without any compunctions, and you’re sniffly over breaking up with Zevran?
Mom: He thought we had something special.
Reg: …okay, I happen to know that’s not what he says.
Mom: It’s my brain space!
Reg: …wha—OH GOD YOU MEAN HEADCANON.
Mom: Yes, that’s how you call it. Headcanon.
Reg: [stares; offers hand] Welcome to fandom, Mother.
Mom: …I don’t think I should take your hand. It’s like shaking hands with Satan.
Reg: What did I do?!
Mom: Married Alistair. [flounces off] DON’T FORGET YOU NEED TO HELP ME DO THESE UNNECESSARY QUESTS SO I CAN FIGHT THE ARCH-THING.
Mom: THAT IS A SACK OF BOOBS. WITH FRONDS.
Reg: Oh, hello, are you at the Broodmother?
Mom: WHAT IS THAT? THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO WOMEN? WHO COMES UP WITH THIS? HOW DID YOU NOT HAVE NIGHTMARES FOR MOTHS? HOW DO I KILL IT?
Reg: You hit it with your sharp pointy things. Have fun, you Wynne-killing monster.
Mom: …what does that mean.
Reg: Oh, I’m just laughing at the fact that you killed Wynne. So very hard.
Mom: She got in my way! HOW DO I KILL IT?
Reg: Luck? Chance? Gambling with the rules of the universe?
Mom: Wait I have a question.
Mom: If the darkspawn are essentially ants, why do Broodmothers have boobs?
Reg: You know, that’s the question everyone in the fandom asks.
Mom: When we send that man cookies, tell him I demand an answer. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to kill the boobsack. And then sleep with Zevran again.
She thinks this is stupid. I have reminded her that, in a tiny camp, everyone knows everyone else’s business.
She says our first house wasn’t much larger than that camp.
And bb!Reg never knew mommy and daddy’s business.
She hates the elves and wants to kill them all. Somehow, this went from “Reg I am doing all the things you did” to “Reg I hate all your life choices.”
Also did I mention she met Zevran? She’s now flirting with both him and Alistair. She wants to “toy with their feelings to discover who loves her more.”
Reg: Yes. Are you going to romance Zevran?
Mom: cn i still romance als?
Reg: They get snippy if they’re in love with you and you’re caboodling with someone else. They make you choose.
Mom: cant have 2?
Reg: How would you feel if your boyfriend was caboodling with another girl?
Mom: i c ur point
Mom: how choose?
Mom: hardets decisn in gam
Mom: evan or als
Mom: chris evans
Reg: Alas, he is not in this game.
Reg: Alas, no.
Mom: tweet that guy
Mom: tell him
Mom: cris evan
Reg: I’m sure David Gaider will take your suggestion under advisement.
Mom: were sendin cookies
Mom: he better
dear god in heaven help me